| I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. |
1 day, 13 hours ago |
| The future is purchased by the present |
3 days, 13 hours ago |
| It's obvious you won't survive by your wits alone. |
1 week ago |
| You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. |
1 week, 2 days ago |
| If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? |
3 weeks ago |
| Teamwork is essential--it allows you to blame someone else. |
1 month ago |
| Optimists may say the glass is half-full, and pessimists may say the glass is half-empty. Well, I say the glass is too damn big! |
1 month, 1 week ago |
| Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. |
1 month, 1 week ago |
| If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? |
1 month, 1 week ago |
| Elevators smell different to midgets. |
1 month, 1 week ago |
| When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. |
1 month, 2 weeks ago |
| Do Not Underestimate the Power of the Chocolate Side of the Force! |
1 month, 3 weeks ago |
| Vegetables aren't food. Vegetables are what food eats. |
1 month, 3 weeks ago |
| I finally managed to teach my dog to beg. Last night he came home with $35.00 |
1 month, 3 weeks ago |
| If we were all beautiful would there be ugliness? |
1 month, 4 weeks ago |
| Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. |
2 months ago |
| Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is. |
2 months ago |
| The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. |
2 months, 1 week ago |
| Persistence is the hard work that you do after you are tired of doing the hard work you already did |
2 months, 1 week ago |
| If we learn from our mistakes, I should be brilliant by now. |
2 months, 1 week ago |
| He who laughs last thinks slowest. |
2 months, 2 weeks ago |
| For every action, there is an equal but opposing Government program. |
2 months, 3 weeks ago |
| Work is for people who don't SURF THE NET |
2 months, 3 weeks ago |
| I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. |
2 months, 3 weeks ago |
| Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity |
2 months, 3 weeks ago |
| Half the people you know are below average. |
2 months, 4 weeks ago |
| If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it! |
3 months ago |
| You can't have everything, where would you put it? |
3 months ago |
| My Reality Check bounced. |
3 months ago |
| Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. |
3 months ago |
| In ten years will we still be on IRC? |
3 months, 3 weeks ago |
| Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. |
3 months, 4 weeks ago |
| Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way |
4 months, 1 week ago |
| Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. |
4 months, 1 week ago |
| The best love affairs are those we never had. |
4 months, 2 weeks ago |
| You lose it if you talk about it. |
4 months, 3 weeks ago |
| Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. |
4 months, 3 weeks ago |
| If you don't know what procrastination is just look up the definition tomorrow. |
4 months, 4 weeks ago |
| It is much easier to be critical than to be correct |
5 months ago |
| A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. |
5 months, 1 week ago |
| Am I supposed to be impressed? |
5 months, 1 week ago |
| An idea can turn to dust or magic, depending on the talent that rubs against it. |
5 months, 1 week ago |
| The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. |
5 months, 1 week ago |
| Mixed emotions: When your mother-in-law drives your new car over the cliff. |
7 months ago |
| We are not human doings, rather, we are human beings. |
7 months ago |
| Laugh at your problems, everyone else does. |
7 months ago |
| God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. |
7 months, 1 week ago |
| If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, I guess I am a coward. |
7 months, 1 week ago |
| No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try. (Yoda) |
7 months, 1 week ago |
| I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. |
8 months, 3 weeks ago |
| I was abducted by space aliens and I vote! |
8 months, 3 weeks ago |
| To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. |
8 months, 4 weeks ago |
| Don't count your chickens before they cross the road. |
9 months ago |
| I feel like a new man. Do you have one I could use? |
9 months ago |
| In the fight between you and the world, back the world. |
9 months ago |
| A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. |
9 months, 1 week ago |
| Computer Literacy? You mean my computer is supposed to read? |
9 months, 1 week ago |
| If the going gets easy you may be going downhill |
9 months, 1 week ago |
| Break a bad habit - drop it |
9 months, 1 week ago |
| Computers aren't intelligent. They just think they are. |
9 months, 2 weeks ago |
| In a world of glamour, simple things will stand out. |
9 months, 2 weeks ago |
| Flirtation, attention without intention. |
9 months, 2 weeks ago |
| You are here: X |
9 months, 3 weeks ago |
| I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through... |
9 months, 3 weeks ago |
| Some people develop eye strain looking for trouble |
9 months, 3 weeks ago |
| Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win. |
9 months, 4 weeks ago |
| Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. |
10 months ago |
| Start each day with expectations, they could be true by nightfall. |
10 months ago |
| Success is...more attitude than aptitude |
10 months ago |
| Never judge in haste, in case your judgement is found wanting. |
10 months, 1 week ago |
| Kids in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause kids |
10 months, 1 week ago |
| One thing you can give and still keep is your word |
10 months, 1 week ago |
| Triumph is just "umph" added to "try" |
10 months, 2 weeks ago |
| There are two ways to be rich --, make more or need less. |
10 months, 2 weeks ago |
| The obvious is always least understood |
11 months ago |
| Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? |
11 months ago |
| Never trust a dog to watch your food. |
11 months ago |
| Birds have bills too, and they keep on singing |
11 months, 1 week ago |
| He who hesitates IS LUNCH! |
11 months, 1 week ago |
| Life is uncertain, eat dessert first. |
11 months, 1 week ago |
| Forget Love - I want to fall in Chocolate |
11 months, 2 weeks ago |
| A chill in the air, a cat on the lap, a mug of chocolate, and a good book. Ah, Paradise! |
1 year ago |
| We has met the enemy, and it is us. |
1 year ago |
| Love can only be debased in the eyes of others. |
1 year ago |
| That which does not kill me... makes me meaner! |
1 year, 1 month ago |
| I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. |
1 year, 1 month ago |
| It's a control freak thing. I won't let you understand! |
1 year, 1 month ago |
| One who lacks courage to start has already finished |
1 year, 1 month ago |
| Indecision is the key to flexibility. |
1 year, 1 month ago |
| I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you. |
1 year, 1 month ago |
| Courtship - A man pursuing a woman until she catches him. |
1 year, 1 month ago |
| Nature and Books belong to the eyes that see them. |
1 year, 1 month ago |
| Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. |
1 year, 1 month ago |
| We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced or laughed at least once. |
1 year, 1 month ago |
| Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. |
1 year, 1 month ago |
| If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP? |
1 year, 1 month ago |
| We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves |
1 year, 2 months ago |
| Frogs have it easy, they can eat what bugs them |
1 year, 2 months ago |
| Does time really move or do we just grow old from the earth's gravity pull? |
1 year, 2 months ago |
| Love is one big illusion I should try to forget, but there is something left in my head....... |
1 year, 2 months ago |
| Did you know that Friday the 13th comes on a Tuesday this month? |
1 year, 2 months ago |
| Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise? |
1 year, 2 months ago |
| We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful. |
1 year, 2 months ago |
| The best vitamin for making friends, B-1 |
1 year, 2 months ago |
| Hookt On Fonicks Werked Four Me! |
1 year, 2 months ago |
| I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager. |
1 year, 2 months ago |
| Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. |
1 year, 2 months ago |
| Been there. Done that. Went back for more. |
1 year, 2 months ago |
| My ex gave me a reason to live -- I want Revenge! |
1 year, 3 months ago |
| Patience is something admired in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead of you. |
1 year, 3 months ago |
| Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? |
1 year, 3 months ago |
| He who throws mud loses ground |
1 year, 3 months ago |
| Blood is thicker than water. And much tastier. |
1 year, 3 months ago |
| Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. |
1 year, 3 months ago |
| Hard work is the yeast that raises the dough |
1 year, 3 months ago |
| Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. |
1 year, 3 months ago |
| To know yourself, is to know your place in this universe. |
1 year, 3 months ago |
| A pint of example is worth a gallon of advice |
1 year, 4 months ago |
| Merry Christmas Joyeux Noël to all. 🎅 🤶 |
1 year, 4 months ago |
| The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. |
1 year, 4 months ago |
| Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women pay for marriage. |
1 year, 4 months ago |
| Reality is the Anchovy on the Pizza of Life |
1 year, 4 months ago |
| Opportunities are often lost because they are not recognized. |
1 year, 4 months ago |
| The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. |
1 year, 4 months ago |
| The facts, though interesting, are irrelevant. |
1 year, 4 months ago |
| I am the one your parents warned you about. |
1 year, 4 months ago |
| I am the one your parents warned you about. |
1 year, 4 months ago |
| I filled out an application that said 'In Case Of Emergency Notify:' I wrote 'Doctor'... What's my mother going to do? |
1 year, 4 months ago |
| If you can't say something nice about someone you're probably not alone. |
1 year, 5 months ago |
| Remember when Windows were washed, mice were trapped, and UNIX guarded the harem? |
1 year, 5 months ago |
| Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid. |
1 year, 5 months ago |
| Optimists may say the glass is half-full, and pessimists may say the glass is half-empty. Well, I say the glass is too damn big! |
1 year, 5 months ago |
| Live as you wish your kids would |
1 year, 5 months ago |
| The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. |
1 year, 5 months ago |
| My job drives me to drink. If it wasn't for that, I'D QUIT! |
1 year, 5 months ago |
| Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage. |
1 year, 5 months ago |
| Now Accepting Compliments |
1 year, 5 months ago |
| If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? |
1 year, 5 months ago |
| Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying. |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| The easiest way to refold a road map is differently. |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| Power interrupts. Uninterruptable power interrupts absolutely. |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| One thing you can't recycle is wasted time |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| If Ignorance is Bliss, why aren't more people happy? |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| I know that you have a thing for me, but why is it so small and deformed? |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| The Road to Enlightenment is Long and Difficult. Bring Snacks and a Book to read. |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| Proudly marching to the beat of a different kettle of fish |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| Oh, no! I turned out just like my mother! |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| Animal testing is futile! The animals always get nervous and give the wrong answers |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places. |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. |
1 year, 7 months ago |
| I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines. |
1 year, 7 months ago |
| You're just jealous because the little voices talk to me. |
1 year, 7 months ago |
| Caution is not cowardly. Carelessness is not courage |
1 year, 7 months ago |
| No man knows less than the man who knows it all |
1 year, 7 months ago |
| Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often |
1 year, 7 months ago |
| "Normal" is a setting on my washing machine. |
1 year, 7 months ago |
| Treat this earth gently, future generations have to share it too. |
1 year, 7 months ago |
| It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it |
1 year, 7 months ago |
| All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen. |
1 year, 7 months ago |
| Do not force your view on others, their views are as true as yours are. |
1 year, 7 months ago |
| Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. |
1 year, 7 months ago |
| Now that I have it all, can I give some of it back? |
1 year, 7 months ago |
| The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet. |
1 year, 8 months ago |
| Red meat isn't bad for you; fuzzy blue-green meat is. |
1 year, 8 months ago |
| The gene pool could use a little chlorine. |
1 year, 8 months ago |
| A quitter never wins, and a winner never quits |
1 year, 8 months ago |
| If I had know I'd live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself. |
1 year, 8 months ago |
| An essential aspect of creativity is not being afraid to fail. |
1 year, 8 months ago |
| Feed your faith and doubt will starve to death |
1 year, 8 months ago |
| The heart has it's reasons which reason does not understand. |
1 year, 8 months ago |
| Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it. |
1 year, 8 months ago |
| Money talks and often just says, "Good Bye" |
1 year, 8 months ago |
| It's worse than you think and they ARE out to get you! |
1 year, 8 months ago |
| One day at a time is all we get, make the most of it! |
1 year, 8 months ago |
| Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. |
1 year, 8 months ago |
| Nothing is so good as it seems beforehand. |
1 year, 8 months ago |
| Too err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer. |
1 year, 9 months ago |
| Lost time is never found again |
1 year, 9 months ago |
| Too many of us speak twice before we think |
1 year, 9 months ago |
| Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze. |
1 year, 9 months ago |
| Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it |
1 year, 9 months ago |
| In case of Rapture, can I have your car? |
1 year, 9 months ago |
| Heaviest thing to carry - a grudge |
1 year, 9 months ago |
| Go Fascinate Someone Else |
1 year, 9 months ago |
| If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. |
1 year, 9 months ago |
| When a young man complains that a young lady has no heart, it is a pretty certain sign that she has his. |
1 year, 10 months ago |
| It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission. |
1 year, 10 months ago |
| Two wrongs are only the beginning. |
1 year, 10 months ago |
| When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS!!! |
1 year, 10 months ago |
| Kindness, a language deaf people can hear and blind see |
1 year, 10 months ago |
| Fight Crime: Shoot Back! |
1 year, 10 months ago |
| A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. |
1 year, 10 months ago |
| All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. |
1 year, 10 months ago |
| Is that money in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? |
1 year, 10 months ago |
| If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? |
1 year, 10 months ago |
| Seek joy in what you give not in what you get |
1 year, 11 months ago |
| To appreciate nature, is to believe in the miracle of Creation. |
1 year, 11 months ago |
| You can never get enough of what you don't need to make you happy. |
1 year, 11 months ago |
| I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. |
1 year, 11 months ago |
| If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. |
1 year, 11 months ago |
| Stay away from prunes. |
1 year, 11 months ago |
| Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind. |
1 year, 11 months ago |