| Abraham Lincoln said watching “Melania” was the worst experience he’s ever had in a theatre. |
4 days, 9 hours ago |
| Only female mosquitoes bite. Only males buzz. When you're in bed and you hear a buzz, relax. If you hear silence, worry. |
6 days, 9 hours ago |
| R.F.K Jr. --- A face made for radio. A voice made for close-captioning. |
2 weeks ago |
| Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance? |
3 weeks, 2 days ago |
| Having a healthy and regualr sex life helps improve memory. I wish all a great 2016! |
1 month ago |
| A Holy Knight is one who had very unfortunate luck at the jousting tournament. |
1 month, 1 week ago |
| I got myself a senior's GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there. |
1 month, 1 week ago |
| If 2025 were a drink, it would be a colonoscopy prep. |
1 month, 2 weeks ago |
| Something you learn when you get older. "If you want to make a problem worse, call a lawyer." |
1 month, 3 weeks ago |
| No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. -- Aesop |
1 month, 3 weeks ago |
| What do you call a Christmas wreath made of $100 bills? ---------------- Aretha Franklins |
1 month, 4 weeks ago |
| If I win the lottery, no one around me will be poor. I will move to a rich gated neighborhood. |
2 months ago |
| I am a person who wants to do lots of things, trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot. |
2 months, 1 week ago |
| I broke my addiction to Hellman’s at the Mayo Clinic. |
2 months, 1 week ago |
| You have to be extremely precise when trying to identify fungi. --- There's not mushroom for error. |
2 months, 1 week ago |
| If you're waiting for me to act normal, I hope you packed a picnic basket. |
2 months, 1 week ago |
| A man was injured while playing peek-a-boo. --- He's currently in the ICU. |
2 months, 2 weeks ago |
| My boss farted in front of me. I said "Still trying to work that condom out?" --- Anyone hiring out there? |
2 months, 2 weeks ago |
| Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you didn't overthink everything? I think about it all the time. |
2 months, 2 weeks ago |
| Just before sweet potatoes are mashed they become very quiet. This is known as "the silence of the Yams." |
2 months, 4 weeks ago |
| There's nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul. Even if it's cold, over ice, with a celery stalk. And Vodka. 18 plus room |
3 months ago |
| I tried calling the Tinnitus help line. No answer. Just kept ringing. |
3 months, 1 week ago |
| The final test of a leader is that he leaves behind him in other men the conviction and the will to carry on. -- Walter Lippmann |
3 months, 3 weeks ago |
| Chicken Little only has to be right once. |
4 months, 1 week ago |
| Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job. |
4 months, 1 week ago |
| Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? |
4 months, 1 week ago |
| Do you remember --- The twenty-first night of September? |
4 months, 1 week ago |
| I'm thinking of selling my old theremin. I haven't touched it in years. |
4 months, 2 weeks ago |
| Stop worrying about what other people think. Have you met other people? They're AWFUL! |
4 months, 2 weeks ago |
| I was kidnapped by a troupe of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me. |
5 months, 1 week ago |
| Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all its students. |
5 months, 1 week ago |
| Sarah Palin No Longer Dumbest Person to Set Foot in Alaska. |
5 months, 2 weeks ago |
| A vegan and a vegetarian are jumping off a cliff to see who hits the bottom first. Who wins? |
5 months, 2 weeks ago |
| Things that keep me up at night: Are Medusa's leg hairs tiny little snakes? |
5 months, 2 weeks ago |
| If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. |
5 months, 2 weeks ago |
| If size doesn't matter, where are all the 3 inch dildoes? |
5 months, 2 weeks ago |
| Ours is the age that is proud of machines that think and suspicious of men who try to. - H. Mumford Jones (1892 - 1980) |
6 months, 2 weeks ago |
| And you cannot buy a Vowel! |
6 months, 2 weeks ago |
| New Quiz _ _ _ _ _ R _ _ _ _ And you cannot buy a Vowel! |
6 months, 3 weeks ago |
| L _ _ _ E _ ^ < We have a winner! Jerky! |
6 months, 3 weeks ago |
| Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke |
6 months, 3 weeks ago |
| There's nothing to winning, really. That is if you happen to be blessed with a keen eye, an agile mind, and no scruples whatsoever. Alfred Hitchcock |
8 months ago |
| I wrote a book on reverse psychology. Don't buy it. |
8 months, 1 week ago |
| Reminder: April is Procrastination Awareness Month |
8 months, 1 week ago |
| My Reality Check bounced. |
8 months, 1 week ago |
| He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit. - Unknown |
8 months, 2 weeks ago |
| Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. -- Oscar Wilde |
8 months, 3 weeks ago |
| Sometimes when the weather gets warmer, my body gets tricked and starts acting like I have more money in the bank. |
8 months, 4 weeks ago |
| Old age is real. I was in bed for 20 mins when I heard the pizza guy cough. Then I remembered I came in my room for my wallet. |
9 months ago |
| Happiness is a journey, not a destination. |
9 months ago |
| The educator must above all understand how to wait - to reckon all effects in the light of the future, not of the present. -- Ellen Kay |
9 months, 1 week ago |
| Greetings Jerky Our Head of Pulling! |
9 months, 3 weeks ago |
| There are 10 types of people in the world: those that understand binary, and those that don't. |
9 months, 3 weeks ago |
| Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. |
10 months ago |
| “Unlike the stomach, the brain doesn’t alert you when it’s empty.” --- Arabic Proverb |
10 months, 2 weeks ago |
| Some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology. It bugs me in ways I can't put into words. |
10 months, 2 weeks ago |
| Religion is like circumcision. If you wait until someone is 12yo to tell them about it, they probably won't be interested. |
10 months, 3 weeks ago |
| No matter how nice you are, German children will always be Kinder. |
10 months, 4 weeks ago |
| - Word of the day: Recrudescence (n.) The return of something terrible after a time of reprieve. |
11 months, 4 weeks ago |
| Word of the day: Recrudescence (n.) The return of something terrible after a time of reprieve. |
1 year ago |
| A special message to Canada, Greenland, Panama, and now the Gulf of Mexico. Apologies. He's an imbecile. --- USA |
1 year ago |
| I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye! |
1 year ago |
| A special message to Canada, Greenland, & Panama. Apologies. He's an imbecile. --- USA |
1 year ago |
| "God have us families so we wouldn't need to argue with strangers." --- Italians (and everyone else.) |
1 year, 1 month ago |
| Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're okay, you're it. |
1 year, 1 month ago |
| Never forget about Newton's Third Law. |
1 year, 2 months ago |
| How long before Don the Con accidentally sends out the fundraising email before the shooter is even spotted? |
1 year, 4 months ago |
| When you die and go to heaven every dog you ever owned will run up to greet you. |
1 year, 5 months ago |
| Carpe Diem. |
1 year, 5 months ago |
| I don't want to cause any drama, this is just my opinion. I think Dove Chocolate tastes much better than their Dove Soap. |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| Just don't ask ====> http://tiny.cc/7on3zz |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length. - Robert Frost (1874 - 1963) 18+ room |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length. - Robert Frost (1874 - 1963) |
1 year, 6 months ago |
| HAPPY CANADA DAY !!!! |
1 year, 7 months ago |
| When I took office, only high energy physicists had ever heard of what is called the Worldwide Web.... Now even my cat has its own page. - Bill Clinton |
1 year, 7 months ago |
| England Conquered half the world, brought back spices, and decided they didn't like any of them. |
1 year, 7 months ago |
| You make a living by what you get, you make a life by what you give. |
1 year, 10 months ago |
| The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. |
1 year, 10 months ago |
| To ATT: Have you tried unplugging it, waiting 2 minutes, and plugging it back in? |
1 year, 11 months ago |
| Someone just accused me of plagiarism. Their words, not mine. |
1 year, 11 months ago |
| Sister Abrigal of Niece. She was respected for her wisdom. She was called Nun the Wiser. |
1 year, 11 months ago |
| Compassion will cure more sins than condemnation. -- Henry Ward Beecher |
2 years ago |
| The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one. - Elbert Hubbard |
2 years, 1 month ago |
| We never know the worth of water 'til the well is dry. - English proverb |
2 years, 2 months ago |
| Putin visited the country of Kyrgyzstan, where officials begged for a supply of much needed vowels. |
2 years, 3 months ago |
| Dear Black Friday, We all have big screen TVs. How about putting up groceries, gas, and rent on sale this year? |
2 years, 3 months ago |
| No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous. -- Henry Brooks Adams |
2 years, 3 months ago |
| Captain America's suit does not have 50 stars. It was 1 star, so he's actually Captain Texas. |
2 years, 4 months ago |
| 90% of bald people still own a comb. They just can't part with it. |
2 years, 5 months ago |
| Australians are disappointed that the Barbie movie does not include even one BBQ. But worse Ken is a SHRIMP! |
2 years, 5 months ago |
| Australians are disappointed that the Barbie movie does not include even one BBQ. |
2 years, 5 months ago |
| -An unemployed jester is nobody's fool. |
2 years, 6 months ago |
| -Have you heard about the defunct rock band 999 Megabytes? ---------- They couldn't get a gig. |
2 years, 6 months ago |
| Happy CANADA Day |
2 years, 7 months ago |
| -I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help, but now I stand corrected. |
2 years, 7 months ago |
| There is nothing to fear but fear itself. |
2 years, 7 months ago |
| -Hot^Hard doesn't usually get emotional after sex, but $20 is a lot of money. |
2 years, 7 months ago |
| Truth often suffers more by the heat of its defenders than the arguments of those that oppose it. |
2 years, 8 months ago |
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2 years, 8 months ago |