IRC Driven

[01:02:53] melzz hello

[01:04:35] melzz bored

[01:04:48] melzz dont have the attention span to make anything rn

[01:04:57] melzz ebay is justm aking me depressed that i dont have money

[01:05:07] melzz so many floppydrives i could buy so little cash

[01:05:41] melzz i found one that would fit perfectly in my laptop and i dont evne have the $10 to buy it

[01:10:04] melzz yeah i leach from my parents

[01:10:17] melzz i told them i'd give them the like $40 i owe them tomorrow though

[01:10:23] melzz i should be getting paid but key word should

[01:10:30] melzz it seems like its completely random when i get paid

[01:13:59] melzz he's getting WHAT

[01:14:07] melzz oh is he like

[01:14:09] melzz welsh or something

[01:14:12] melzz are they the ones that fuck sheep?

[01:14:56] melzz https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u009SsZJbFM

[01:15:55] melzz i want to replace human social interaction with animals but it costs money that i don't have

[01:16:11] melzz as much as i love my cats they can be disinterested in me at times

[01:17:37] melzz i need to gnaw on something

[01:17:56] melzz im hungry i think

[01:28:50] melzz /s4s/ so dead rn

[01:29:05] melzz sex is pretty perverted either way

[01:31:36] melzz i have a headache from staring at my monitor all day fuck

[01:37:39] melzz iim so fucking bored

[01:37:46] melzz all i do is complain

[01:38:31] melzz very true

[01:39:59] melzz fensta: because you have never looked up 'japanese twinks kissing' that's why

[02:38:18] melzz irc always had a reputation for being weird

[02:38:54] melzz NO BRING IT BACK

[02:38:56] melzz WTFFFF

[02:40:01] melzz thank you

[02:42:09] melzz hi

[02:42:13] melzz what

[02:42:21] melzz who do you think iam

[02:43:43] melzz mella?

[02:43:46] melzz idk who that is

[02:45:03] melzz i mean "mela" is the first four letters of my name

[03:27:59] melzz huh

[03:48:30] melzz i kinda completely gave up learning any language

[03:48:45] melzz it seems with how i learn information my only option is to go to college which is deathly terrifying to me

[03:50:16] melzz ok i guess thats an exception because i did teach myself basic and some 6502 asm lololol

[03:51:34] melzz but right now due to a series of extremely poor decisions i am severely anhedonica nd pretty much unable to do anything beyond talk to people online all day to recover lost social interaction from shutting myself in whenever i'm not at work (10 hours/week)

[03:52:02] melzz i can complain all i want but this is my own fault

[03:52:26] melzz i kinda ruined my entire life in the last 3 months and i know this is annoying to say but it's made worse by the fact that i'm only 18

[03:53:04] melzz i basically lost the ability to feel emotions, make friends, or have a normal life from years of drugs, mental illness, and social isolation

[03:54:00] melzz everything was going well last december, i waas working 30 hours a week and actually had ambitions and then i became addicted to meth and even after only one month of continuous use and a brief relapse i've completely destroyed my ability to function properly

[03:55:39] melzz no, i've been clean for like 3 weeks i think

[03:55:53] melzz i'm supposed to be in residential right now but im not doing it

[03:56:00] melzz i dont want to throw my job away

[03:56:03] melzz itw as all i had left

[03:56:11] melzz and now my hours have been cut because of staffing problems

[03:59:24] melzz my life story is kind of convoluted but long story short i lost all of my friends in high school because i was more interested in shutting myself in and doing dxm and adderall all day and after i graduated in june of 2025 i completely shut myself in and pretty much never left the house for 6 months and eventually after mishearing something my mom said i thought i was about to get kicked out so i scrambled to find a job and actually

[03:59:24] melzz finally started socializing again (i only ever made one irl friend but i was talking to my coworkers and customers) and somehow, i dont relaly remember what caused this chain of events i got into heroin and meth and pretty much lost all of my progress and afterlosing my only friend (she left for the navy because she was homeless and was going to die in the harsh winter if she couldn't figure something out) i just completely shut d

[03:59:24] melzz own

[03:59:27] melzz sorry this is so long btw

[03:59:34] melzz i genuinely hav enobody else to talk to

[04:00:07] melzz what happened next, i ended up showing everythign to my parents in a last ditch attempt to get out of this because i knew i had months to live

[04:02:16] melzz and after chickening out from detox, being confronted by police because it was too cold to survive out there, i wound up in a mental hospital for 6 days and eventually was put in outpatient rehab for a while and everything was goign great until i relapsed and had to go to the hospital AGAIN (just for one night this time) for a meth induced psychotic break i quit going and isolated myself again

[04:03:06] melzz the day i turn 21 and no longer ahve to go through real effort to get alcohol i will be fucked

[04:03:46] melzz i have some kind of genetic alcoholism where if a single drop of even 5% touches my tongue i will uncontrollably binge-drink until i either pass out or run out of alcohol

[04:05:01] melzz i was drinking with my friend once and she literally had to rip the bottle out of my arms because i was going to pass out again

[04:05:13] melzz that wasnt even the first time she did that

[04:05:18] melzz it happened on like 3 separate ooccasions

[04:05:23] melzz i dont know what's wrong with me

[04:06:35] melzz its not like ive been an alcoholic for a long time, i almsot never drink bc i never have access to alcohol but the moment i do i just lose control

[04:06:44] melzz actually im kind of that way with most substances now that i think about it

[04:07:02] melzz yeah

[04:07:53] melzz the only reason i'm not dead of a fentanyl/heroin overdose is because i smoked and by the time i was on the verge of losing my breathing i'd be too fucked up to figure out how to even flick my lighter

[04:08:00] melzz its kinda a miracle that i'm even here

[04:10:46] melzz i only did acid once

[04:10:51] melzz it was bittersweet

[04:10:59] melzz it taught me a lot about myself that i wasnt ready to accept

[04:13:01] melzz im basically at risk of losing my mind again if i do anything hallucinogenic or dissociative

[04:13:21] melzz dxm usually just makes me delirious now

[04:14:01] melzz its not like dph where im just terrified its more or so delusional religious enlightenment that usually manifests in scribbling diagrams and symbols and random shit everywhere

[04:15:52] melzz i'm kind of already starting to burn out lol

[04:16:44] melzz considering how i'm doing mentally im genuinely afraid i'm not going to see 20

[04:17:34] melzz i do

[04:17:46] melzz but at this point i'm getting to the point where i cant even leave my room anymore

[04:17:59] melzz i pretty much only ever leave for work or to buy food

[04:18:07] melzz mdma and other highly serotonergic substances do that

[04:18:13] melzz thats why meth destroyed my mental health

[04:18:21] melzz that and rampant gabapentin abuse

[04:18:38] melzz basically ALL of my neurotransmitters are fucked leading me to pretty much be unable to feel emotions

[04:18:45] melzz 18

[04:19:47] melzz im trying

[04:20:03] melzz i dont want to go back to how i was last year

[04:20:26] melzz 2026 was supposed to be my first year of college

[04:23:06] melzz my family wants me to go calisober

[04:23:22] melzz >microdose THC and just mostly live fully in control

[04:23:24] melzz i wish ic ould do that lol

[04:23:33] melzz i have to just go balls to the wall with it

[04:23:37] melzz but thats how i am with any substance

[04:34:26] melzz im trying to find myself on google maps

[04:34:40] melzz i actually am on google maps in a photo of the place i work at but i wanna see if i can find my car

[04:37:16] melzz i dont think ive ever seen an uncensored plate on street view

[04:40:01] melzz there is a town near where i live that is entirely removed from google maps

[04:40:21] melzz theres likea law there where google maps is literally BANNED from the city limits

[05:10:25] melzz hi

[05:11:13] melzz it's illegal to grow the coca plant in an unregulated manner

[05:11:18] melzz i sure wonder why

[05:11:44] melzz most drugs are by that argument since every psychoactive is DERIVED from a natural source

[05:11:54] melzz everything is natural but the more you synthesize the more you remove

[05:12:09] melzz you cant just create new elements out of thin air like that

[05:12:16] melzz well no shit

[05:12:19] melzz oh another one

[05:12:21] melzz ephedra

[05:12:23] melzz why would thatb e legal?

[05:12:31] melzz oh wait i see the point

[05:12:39] melzz yeah no thats a very common argument

[05:12:43] melzz weed IS legal in like

[05:12:45] melzz half of the us

[05:12:48] melzz ok maybe not half

[05:12:51] melzz but wherei live it is

[05:14:17] melzz that is very true fensta lol

[05:14:33] melzz i cant be assed to go mug someone to buy a new cart i'll just... take it out of my paycheck becuase i contribute to society

[05:16:16] melzz according to google weed is fully legal in: WA,OR,CA,NV,AZ,NM,MT,CO,MN,MN,IL,MI,OH,VA,NY,VT,ME,MA,RI,NJ,DE,DC,MD

[05:16:20] melzz so about half the country

[05:16:45] melzz i have been in a legal state long enough to know the belligerent ones are always drunk or on stims

[05:16:57] melzz peter: wat?

[05:17:31] melzz the map im quoting says that its fully illegal in NC but i lived there for 6 years and from what i remember it was decriminaized

[05:17:50] melzz i literally smoked in a public park within earshot of an officer and he didn't do shit

[05:17:59] melzz oh

[05:18:15] melzz i dont buy from shops bc im under 21 ij ust buy off of people i meet

[05:18:27] melzz its not like other drugs where they'll mug or lace you theyre just normal people lol

[05:18:39] melzz i think selling it like that is technically illegal but nobody gives a shit

[05:18:52] melzz i dont have friends

[05:18:56] melzz what makes you think i'd have a fake id

[05:19:44] melzz i dont see a point enforcing it lol

[05:20:16] melzz fensta: i lowkey hav eno clue how to get one lol its easier to j ust find someone that is 21

[05:20:27] melzz i met a guy at the train station and he can pretty much get me whatever i want

[05:20:41] melzz the only problem is that hes 23 and has asked me o ut before and i think he still wants to have sex with me

[05:20:51] melzz if he was ONE year younger i wouldnt care

[05:21:33] melzz im 18

[05:21:43] melzz he isnt relaly that creepy and i dont think he knew i was 18

[05:21:51] melzz apparently i pass for 20

[05:22:03] melzz im not worried about it

[05:22:13] melzz what

[05:23:01] melzz even if i am being groomed i have been extremely resiliant towards him and i think he's pretty much given up

[05:23:54] melzz he knows i cant really be told what to think or do

[05:24:07] melzz im glad that i'm an incredibly stubborn person

[05:24:11] melzz i got it from my dad

[06:52:15] melzz i hate that when i connect to irc my message box is flooded with like 50 onjoin messages

[06:52:28] melzz i know one of them i can get rid of but the rizon specific ones i dont know how to

[06:52:47] melzz like "recieved ctcp version" or "your host is masked"

[06:52:49] melzz those messages

[06:52:52] melzz the kind that pop up when u connect

[06:53:31] melzz ik some of them are and i figured out how to disable the elite chat one but idk how to get rid of the rest

[17:30:35] melzz hai

[17:31:41] melzz r u scared of women?

[17:33:11] melzz possibly

[17:33:21] melzz i thought that was well known here

[17:33:31] melzz nice try buddy u arent seeing it

[18:10:18] melzz does anyone know where i can find the commodore pet 4016 memory map?

[18:10:23] melzz im gonna try the service manual

[18:11:06] melzz fuck its just schematics

[18:20:05] melzz 4016 is one of the models of the pet

[18:20:10] melzz its like one of the midrange models i think

[18:20:19] melzz the 2001 is the very first model with basically no memory

[18:21:18] melzz oh i think i found it

[18:21:22] melzz $0410 should work

[18:21:28] melzz let me see if my test program works

[18:23:25] melzz oh fuck i just remembered this is pet software

[18:23:32] melzz i really really dont wnana put this on datasette

[18:23:36] melzz i might have to

[18:23:38] melzz ugh

[18:23:42] melzz i might be better off doing htis in basic

[18:42:57] melzz wat

[19:37:28] melzz broly boost

[20:56:07] melzz i could REALLY go for some vodka right now

[20:56:36] melzz i miss my old friend she would literally just give me access to copious amounts of alcohol every time i went to her apartment

[20:57:41] melzz she was a raging alcoholic and i have genetic alcoholism but it doesnt really cause problems bc i dont have access to alcohol rn

[20:57:46] melzz but when i do bad things happen

[20:59:28] melzz i hate beer

[20:59:44] melzz it tastes like piss and its only 5%

[20:59:49] melzz i drink by ABV

[21:00:11] melzz i wont drink anyhting below 20% with a couple exceptions bc they taste nice

[21:03:33] melzz End3r: gimme 6 shots of tito's and i will be a happy and barely conscious girl

[21:09:30] melzz i tried to drink a shot of grey goose and i completely seared my throat and vomited

[21:09:41] melzz i have to chase the fuck out of vodka

[21:09:50] melzz yeha

[21:09:53] melzz it burns

[21:10:09] melzz oh god so this is the time i should mention to explain how my alcohol problem started

[21:10:51] melzz so i may or may not have gotten desperate in high school and started filtering ethanol out of hand sanitizer and eventually i just started chugging the sanitizer itself and i did it so much that i became completely dependent for like 6 months

[21:11:04] melzz so it's probably likely that i am an alcoholic mentally

[21:32:07] melzz i regret that conversation

[21:32:12] melzz i can not stop thinking about alcoohl

[21:32:15] melzz i want it so badly

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